More Than Enough
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As we come to Father's Day this year. I take a look around my house and see the colors pink and purple, my two daughters’ favorite colors. There is a word often not associated with Father’s Day, and I think all fathers and father figures need to hear this word more. That word is: Love.
For me, love has a way of becoming lofty, uncomfortable, and seeking. I saw love being both conditional and unconditional. As I am receiving my “coffee” from my daughters, there is a challenge in the concept of love. I grew up in the church that says that God will always provide unconditional love, and you can turn to God in times of needing the feeling of love. I was often taught that parents give unconditional love as well. I have to admit, the older I have gotten, the more jaded I have seen that played out in the times that we are living in. I must admit, I have caught myself loving out of the condition of obedience, because I was taught the same thing. You are loved when you obey. I am learning in this season with a five-year-old and a four-year-old to love because of unconditionality.
A holiday that recognizes a parent can incite joy and pain. The joy of wisdom passed down has allowed me to be a parent. The freedom for my daughters to discover who they are (hopefully future athletes..I got to get that return on investment). Also, the response to my own pain of what I went through as a child, and what I did not want to pass down, or what I want to do differently.
Love is an under-utilized word for Father’s Day. Though many individuals who have taken the role of “Father” can understand what it feels like when you hear a child: spiritual, adult, juvenile, adolescent, babbling, say “I love you.” The role of the Father, both in practice and in Scripture, is clear about the role love plays. It is beyond how masculine, tough, right, secure, and stoic you are. Love is a paradox. It captures the tender, sacrificial, nurturing, and caring parts of what it means to be human. Love has been altered to show weakness, not strength. To show irrationality, not a steady resolve. For this Father’s Day, I want to invite you to not think about how you do Love, but rather how you receive it.
Bell Hooks writes in “All About Love”: “To be loving, we willingly hear each other’s truth and, most important, we affirm the value of truth-telling. Lies may make people feel better, but they do not help them know love.”
What Bell Hooks is writing about is not a spiritual theology of truth-telling of Scripture, but rather an emotional processing of feelings marked with love and vulnerability. We are called to love like Christ loved(s) the church (Eph 5:25). There is a tender expression of service and modeling that being a man has space for gentleness, nurturing, and an emotional inclusion that makes it ok to feel, to be human. This is the love of unconditionality that I seek to love well from. I am learning to love regardless of obedience. The role of Father has put its weight under provision, duty, responsibility, and service. When did being a father begin sounding militant? Love has been mainly externalized. Fathers display love.
“I show love through…” is what I often hear. How has love been internalized?
Love is complicated. It has a history of pain, abuse, neglect, and abandonment. Love has created expectations for others and for yourself. For a moment, sit in the openness to internalize love. Providers sometimes do not take opportunities to rest in the love that was created. It is often about earning love. Love that is conditional. Love is something that was created to be unconditional, and it has been manipulated to put conditions onto it. Love has been commodified, sold, and distributed, where it is sacred, cherished, and deeply spiritual.
Then there are those who have to love ‘for two’. Being a single parent means embodying the roles of a two-parent household. There is loneliness in that love. A note for you: you are not alone, even when you feel like it. There is a divine presence, and there is a relational and communal presence to remind you that you are not alone.
This Father's Day, I want to leave you with four reminders.
Love yourself as you love those you care for. Remember to take care of your needs. It is a strength to utilize your community, spouse, relationships, and God to guide you.
You are more than a provider. You are more than doing the role of Father; being a Father requires humility, counsel, and wisdom. You are a disciple, meaning you are a teacher to your family and also a learner of Jesus’ teachings about loving people.
Be present in what you do. Take time to acknowledge what you do. Then, strive to do the next thing or create another goal. Be present to your fruit. A gardener has to take in their harvest. A child saying “I love you” or “I messed up” requires the same presence of their vulnerability. Consider that you are creating a safe space for your child, your family, your relationships, and your community.
To honor father and mother is to consider their life and honor them for who they are and what they are not. A quote from Ted Lasso captures this perfectly: “I try to love my dad for who he is, and forgive him for who he isn’t.” As a father, you are not going to get it right every time. Look to your children as guides to be a better parent.
As my eldest has given me plenty of feedback (the curse of having a chaplain as a father, and a behavioral analyst as a mother), “Daddy, I love you so much, and I have so much fun with you, and sometimes when you use a firm voice, it makes me scared.” That, to me, is the reminder that I have a long way to go, and I have done enough to create a safe space for my child to share their feedback. Your kids love you; take time to internalize that love for yourself.